My response rate sucked at first. Like 5-10%. I'd send messages and just... nothing. Radio silence.
Then I started actually tracking what worked and what didn't. Over a few months I sent probably 200+ first messages with different approaches. Kept a spreadsheet (yeah I'm that person).
Turns out there's a pattern to what gets responses and what gets ignored.
What doesn't work (learned the hard way)
The generic hey: "Hey! How's your week going?"
Sent this maybe 20 times early on. Got 1 response. That's a 5% response rate. Terrible.
Everyone sends this. It shows zero effort. It could be sent to literally anyone.
The compliment bomb: "You're so beautiful! I'd love to get to know you!"
Also terrible. Comes off desperate. Everyone's profile has compliments on it. Yours doesn't stand out.
The novel: Three paragraph essay about my life story and why I'm looking for an arrangement.
Nobody reads that from a stranger. Too much too soon.
The transaction: "Hi, what's your allowance expectations?"
Gets ignored almost every time. Too transactional right out the gate.
All of these have like 5-10% response rates max.
What actually works
Messages that get responses (30-50% response rate in my testing):
- Use their name
- Reference something specific from their profile
- Make it about them not you
- Keep it short (3-5 sentences max)
- Ask an engaging question
Sounds simple but most people don't do it.
My best performing message template
This got me a 42% response rate over 50 messages:
"Hey [Name]! I saw you're into [specific thing from profile] - I [relevant comment or question]. [One sentence about yourself that relates]. What [specific question]?"
Example that actually worked:
"Hey Marcus! I saw you work in real estate development - I'm fascinated by how cities evolve and change. I'm finishing my architecture degree and honestly I find urban planning kind of addictive. What's the most frustrating part of getting projects approved in Chicago?"
This got a response within 3 hours and turned into a 4-month arrangement.
Why it worked:
- Used his name (shows it's personal)
- Referenced his career (shows I read his profile)
- Connected it to my own interests (shows genuine curiosity)
- Asked specific question (gave him something easy to respond to)
Templates that worked for me
These aren't exact copy-paste. You gotta customize them. But here's the structure.
When they mention career/business:
"Hey [Name]! I saw you [specific career detail]. I'm actually really interested in [related thing]. I'm [your situation related to their industry]. What's [specific question about their work]?"
Got like 45% response rate with variations of this.
When they mention travel:
"Hey [Name]! [Specific place they mentioned] is on my bucket list. I've been to [your travel experience] but haven't made it there yet. What was your favorite part? And where are you trying to go next?"
Got like 38% response rate.
When they mention hobbies:
"Hey [Name]! I noticed you're into [hobby]. I've been [your related experience - even if it's just curious about it]. What got you started with that? I'm always interested in what makes people passionate about stuff."
Got like 35% response rate.
When their profile mentions books/movies/music:
"Hey [Name]! I saw [specific thing they mentioned] in your favorites - great taste. Have you [related question or recommendation]? I feel like you'd probably also like [related suggestion]."
Got like 40% response rate when I actually knew what I was talking about. Got like 10% when I faked it. They can tell.
When their profile has humor or personality:
"Hey [Name]! Ok I have to say - [specific thing from their profile] made me actually laugh out loud. So [playful follow-up question or comment]?"
Got like 48% response rate. People like when you acknowledge their humor.
The pattern
Every successful message has:
- Their name
- Something specific from their profile
- A connection to your own life/interests
- An easy question to respond to
Missing any of these drops the response rate.
Common mistakes I made
Being too formal: "Hello, I noticed your profile and wanted to reach out to express my interest in potentially connecting."
This sounds like a cover letter. Got maybe 8% response rate.
Better: "Hey! Your travel photos are great - where was that beach pic from?"
Casual works better than formal for first messages.
Asking too many questions: "So what are you looking for? How often would you want to meet? What's your usual arrangement structure? When are you free?"
This feels like homework. People don't respond to interrogations.
Better: One clear question they can answer easily.
Making it all about me: Spent the whole message talking about myself and my situation without referencing their profile.
Got like 12% response rate. People want to know you actually read their profile and aren't copy-pasting.
Physical compliments: "You're gorgeous" or "You're so hot" or variations.
Got maybe 15% response rate. Too surface level. Everyone's getting these.
Better: Compliment something specific. "Your photography is really good" or "I like your taste in books."
Timing matters
I tested when I sent messages.
Best response rates:
- Weekdays 7-9pm: 42% response rate
- Weekends 10am-2pm: 38% response rate
Worst response rates:
- Late night (11pm-2am): 18% response rate (looks desperate)
- Early morning (6-8am): 22% response rate (people aren't checking apps)
- Work hours Monday-Friday: 28% response rate (people are busy)
Send your messages during times when people are actually checking the app and not busy with other stuff.
How many people to message
I tried different strategies:
Option 1 - Mass messaging: Send 30 messages in one day with minimal customization.
Result: 12% response rate, low quality responses, felt spammy.
Option 2 - Selective messaging: Pick 5-7 people who seem really compatible, spend time crafting personalized messages.
Result: 45% response rate, much higher quality responses, but slow progress.
Option 3 - Balanced: Pick 10-15 people per week, customize messages but don't agonize over each one.
Result: 35% response rate, good mix of quantity and quality.
I ended up going with option 3.
What to do when they respond
Don't overthink it. Reply within a few hours (not immediately - that looks desperate).
Acknowledge what they said, share something about yourself that's relevant, ask another question.
Example:
Them: "Ha thanks! Yeah that beach was in Thailand, went there last year. It was incredible. How about you, where do you like to travel?"
Me: "Thailand is on my list! I've mostly done Europe so far - spent a semester in Barcelona and I'm still thinking about the food. How long were you in Thailand? And did you do the whole backpacking thing or more of a resort situation?"
Keep the conversation moving. Don't let it stall out.
When to transition to arrangement talk
Not in the first message. Not in the second message. Usually around message 4-6.
The progression:
- Message 1-2: Building connection, showing personality
- Message 3-4: Starting to gauge interest, mentioning why you're on the platform
- Message 5-6: Discussing expectations and arrangement style
- Message 7-8: Suggest video call
If you bring up allowance in message 1-2, people get turned off. If you wait until message 10+, you've wasted time if you're not aligned.
Response rate by message length
I tested this specifically:
2 sentences: 18% response rate (too short, looks low-effort) 3-5 sentences: 42% response rate (sweet spot) 6-10 sentences: 28% response rate (too long, overwhelming) 10+ sentences: 12% response rate (nobody reads it)
Keep your first message short. Save the long conversations for later.
What worked in different cities
This is interesting - message style matters differently by location.
NYC: More professional tone worked better. Reference their career/ambitions.
LA: Personality and humor worked better. Reference hobbies/interests.
Chicago: Genuine and straightforward worked best. Be real, not performative.
Miami: Casual and fun worked better. Spanish helped if you speak it.
Adapt to the local culture.
Things that surprisingly worked
Asking for recommendations: "I'm looking for a good [restaurant/book/whatever] in [their city] - any suggestions?"
Got like 40% response rate. People like giving recommendations.
Shared critique: "I saw you mentioned [thing]. Controversial opinion but I think [mild take on the thing]. Am I crazy or do you agree?"
Got like 38% response rate. Mild disagreement can be engaging if done right.
Curiosity about their story: "How did you end up in [their career]? It seems like an interesting path."
Got like 44% response rate. People love talking about themselves.
Things that surprisingly didn't work
Being super enthusiastic: "OMG I love your profile! You seem amazing! We should definitely chat!"
Got like 15% response rate. Came off desperate or fake.
Self-deprecating humor: "I'm probably not your type but figured I'd try anyway."
Got like 18% response rate. Negative energy isn't attractive even if it's a joke.
Over-explaining why I'm sugar dating: Spent half the message justifying my presence on the platform.
Got like 20% response rate. Makes you seem insecure.
The messages I'm embarrassed about
Here are some first messages I actually sent that make me cringe now:
"Hi there! You seem like an interesting and successful man. I'm a college student looking for a mutually beneficial relationship with someone generous and kind. Let me know if you'd like to chat!"
Generic. Boring. Could be sent to anyone. Got ignored.
"Hey! 😊 How's your week going? Mine has been super busy with school but I'm excited for the weekend! What are you up to?"
Too casual. Too many details nobody asked for. Got ignored.
"I noticed you like [interest]. I do too! We should definitely talk more about that. Message me back!"
Demanding without offering value. Got ignored.
All of these got zero responses and I don't blame them.
My current formula
After all that testing, here's what I use now:
"Hey [Name]! [Specific observation about their profile that shows I read it]. [One sentence connecting to my own life/interests]. [Clear question that's easy to answer]?"
That's it. Three sentences. Takes me maybe 2 minutes to customize per person.
Gets 38-45% response rate depending on the person's profile and how compatible we seem.
Reality check
Even with perfect messages you're still gonna get ignored 60% of the time or more.
Sometimes people aren't active. Sometimes they met someone already. Sometimes they just aren't interested. Sometimes they're not actually serious about arrangements.
This is normal. Don't take it personally.
The goal isn't to get 100% response rate. The goal is to maximize your odds so you get enough responses to find good matches.
Going from 10% response rate to 40% response rate is huge. That's 4x more conversations, 4x more potential matches, 4x faster to finding an arrangement.
Should you actually use these templates
Yes but customize them. Don't copy-paste word for word.
The structure works. The exact wording needs to fit your personality and their profile.
If you sound like a robot or like you're using templates, people can tell. Make it natural.
Final thoughts
I spent way too much time optimizing this. Probably didn't need to track 200+ messages in a spreadsheet. But now I know what works.
Your results might be different based on your profile quality, your photos, your market, whatever. But the basic principles probably still apply.
Test different approaches. Pay attention to what gets responses. Double down on what works.
Or just send "hey what's up" to everyone and see what happens. That works too sometimes I guess.
Anyway that's everything I know about first messages. Probably more than you wanted to know.
Good luck out there.